Inside my brain

I was reading my girlfriends blog, Brandy's, and in it she wrote a whole list of the way she thinks/feels. I love reading things about other people, especially when they write about what makes them tick. I am fine filling out those emails that ask about your likes/dislikes but once things start asking for feelings/wants/dreams etc, I back away. I guess I still have walls up that keep people from getting at the inner me. I also hate admitting my insecurities. I hate putting myself in a situation where I feel weak or exposed. I thought about her blog entry all day and realized I am stupid for not blogging it just to protect myself. Since my goal for this blog is to be a journal type thing I am going to suck it up and write about me. But now that I've done it, I want you guys all to do it too so I can get to know you better!

I am: happy with my life. I love my hubby and have 3 great kids. Of course there are things I'd like to change/make better but for the most part, I am happy! I am also a walking contradiction. There are many things that I am so easy going and chill about but there are some things that I am incredibly anal about.

I think: too much about things I can't prevent/change. I think too much while I am trying to go to sleep which leaves me thinking most of the night.

I know: my worth.  One of the best pieces of advice my dad gave me is 'never settle'. Somehow my parents were able to instill in me the belief that I never had to settle for anything:  friends, boyfriends, education etc. I knew what I deserved and wouldn't settle for someone treating me badly.

I want: to abolish whining.  I hate it. If I could completely eradicate it from my house I would. Unfortunately it is so finely ingrained in Aliya's whole body that I'll be hearing it from her for the next 15 years of her life. I also would love to get rid of fighting, tattling, bossing etc. The list goes on an on. I want to keep my car clean but with my kids that'll never happen. I want a new digital SLR camera.

I get: jealous when Tony goes out of town. Yeah I know he has to work while he is gone but I would give anything to sleep alone in  a big bed, not have to clean up after anyone, not have to cook etc. If I could I think I could hibernate and not talk to another human for at least a week. I also get jealous that Tony gets to drive alone to and from work. I would hate to do his job and I would hate not getting to be with my kids all day long but what I wouldn't give to get to drive alone for 30 minutes. I could listen to my music without yelling, fighting etc.

I have: many more places in this world I want to visit. I love traveling and since I've gotten married, a lot of that love has dimmed (mostly because Tony thinks its dumb). I've decided that if I want to go see all those places, I may have to do it alone but I am going. I love different cultures and want to expose my kids to all the diversity that is out there.  I have to sign up to take meals to people when the sign up sheet comes around in RS. I guess I think its because with little kids there isnt a whole lot of service I can give but I can cook.

I wish: I had a maid or someone to clean up after my kids. I hate having to put toys away when I know in an hour it'll be right back out! I wish I could predict the future. Life would be a lot easier to understand if I could prepare now. I wish we had a temple closer to us. I wish I had a magic ball to help us to know where we should go. I wish we could live closer to family yet not have to deal with all the drama that comes with living close to family.

I desire: to go back to school. Yep I have a Masters but I am not done. There really isnt anything I want to do with my degree but I feel like I am not done learning. I desire a home without fighting amongst the kids. I desire to get back in shape. I desire a pair of jeans that don't ride up my bum.

I hate: it when people assume things about me. Ask me and I will tell you honestly what I think, how I feel etc. I hate when I am pregnant and miserable. I hate not being in control of my life, my surroundings etc.  I hate mean girls. I think its hard enough just being a girl but when other girls are mean and katty, thats just not fair! I hate it when people get a divorce and say "I knew it'd never work out". Who would willingly go into a marriage knowing it'd end badly and bring kids in to the situation.

I can: move my eyes independent of each other. I can leave one eye looking at you and raise the other one to the ceiling. I can ride a unicycle (okay, I used to be able to ride a unicycle but I think I could do it again). I can still do the splits (right, left and middle). I can tell what kind of day we are going to have by the mood Aliya wakes up in.

I fear: screwing my kids up. It is such a huge task we are undertaking. There are so many people out there that are messed up and most of them blame their parents/upbringing. I fear not doing enough and I fear doing too much for them. I fear that they wont always love me. I fear my teeth falling out. I fear getting complacent in my marriage. 

I feel: lazy. Ever since I was put on bedrest with Blakers I have yet to get back to the gym. Yes I own a gym membership but I have yet to make that commitment to getting back in shape. I am perfectly content to sit on my lazy hiney and do nothing. This has got to change! 

I already: know I'm going to be a wrinkly, old lady. I already worry about Tony retiring and having to go on missions. I already have had a Pepsi. I already think about how my kids will be as teenagers.

I smell: nothing! I have yet to cook/clean so my house doesn't smell. Some days I love not having smells in my house but when I bake I am in heaven.

I crave: Lion house rolls, pecan pie, Pepsi, Barts cinnamon rolls, the beach, a massage, Tony's attention, etc. I crave sugar for breakfast. I am perfectly content to have cookies/pie/brownies and a Pepsi for breakfast. 

I search: for my talents. I know I have them somewhere, I am just trying to track them down. Along the same lines I search for creativity. I must have it I just haven't tapped into it yet.  I search for ways to keep my kids entertained during the summer.

I love: my family more than anything. I love it when I go to get Blake out of his crib and he gets a monster smile on his face once he sees me! I love it when I hear my girls playing nicely together. I love spending one on one time with each of my kiddos (and hubby too). I love going to my parents home. I love going on vacation and love coming home after a vacation. I love it when school is in session. I love finding a creative outlet when I swear I dont have any creativity. I love cell phones. I love watching my kids learn how to do new tasks.  I love hearing Blakes little voice utter "da da da da da". 

I wonder: what type of parent I'll be when my girls are in Jr High/High school. I wonder if I'll be as cool a parent as I imagine myself being. I wonder where we'll finally end up living. I wonder what I'll be when I grow up. I wonder how I am going to survive a three year old. I wonder how tall our kids will be.

I often: wonder how people financially survive in this world. It amazes me that no matter how much of an increase in money we get, our other financial obligations increase as well. I often crave naps but rarely give in.

I regret: putting a tack on a boys chair in 4th grade. I regret not going to 'beauty' school in high school. I try not to look back and have regrets. I guess I figure whats done is done and I cant change it, I can only change what I do now!

I care: about people more than I let on. Yes people know I fiercely protect those I love but I also care that way for others, especially underdogs. 

I don't understand: how people can do their hair everyday. I HATE doing my hair. It takes for ever to blow dry, then straighten. I cant comprehend doing that everyday. I have to force myself to do it once a week for church. I also don't understand where that thought process came from. Everyone else in this world does their hair everyday, why cant I (although to make myself feel better - my sister Becky tried to do my hair while we were in Utah and she agreed that my hair sucks. It takes forever to do and never gets straight). I don't think we'll ever move back to Utah - mostly by choice. 

I always: wish I was a better mom. There are moments where I feel like I am doing okay but a lot of the time I feel like I am failing. I don't know if it is because I know of their divinity or just that I don't want to mess it up but I know I can do better and get bugged when I don't. 

I believe: that Pepsi makes me feel better. I believe that a best friend is someone you can not talk to for years but once you are back together its as if things never changed. I believe in Tony and me. I believe that once a kid wakes up onery, the day is shot. I believe that there are times I swear I am losing my mind. 

I dance: with my girls when they sing "She had those apple bottom jeans, boots with the fur. The whole club was looking at her. She hit the floor, next thing you know shawty got low, low, low, low, low". Sad but yes, my girls do know all those words! I dance a fierce booty-shake dance. My kids get a kick out of it.

I sing: horribly! I rarely do it but when I do, watch out! I sing way too many Hannah Montana and High School Musical songs.

I yell: loudly at athletic events. Typically I am yelling at one person in particular who drives me crazy and keeps screwing up (when Tony played football I'd always scream at their QB, at Jazz games it was always at Ostertag -- that just proves how long we've been gone).

I like: it when Tony wakes me up in the morning by scratching my arms, back and legs. Yep, I feel like a cat but nothing feels better than to get your arms scratched in the morning. I like it when I can sit and type without distractions. I like getting to eat a meal when it is warm/hot. I like watching Blake splash in the bath. I like the fat thighs my babies have.

I don't always: tell Tony or my kids my honest feelings. If I am bugged and know I shouldn't be, I try to pretend like I am not because I know I shouldn't be (even though I still am). I guess I keep trying to do the whole "mind over matter" crap but I don't know how often I succeed. I don't always admit to myself the amount of sugar I eat. I eat way too much crap.

I get bugged: when people depend upon others for their happiness then blame their misery on others when their expectations are not met. I get bugged when I have to get out of the shower for a screaming kid. I get bugged when people dont drive well. 

I imagine: a world where I don't hear Mom every five minutes. It sounds like heaven but I know it'll happen sooner than I expect or want. I imagine getting to spend 24 hours all alone - not talking or seeing another person. Heaven! I imagine my girls in High School and I know I am in trouble. 

I fight: rarely!  I don't yell or scream but when I fight (Tony is the only one I fight with and it is rare) I either erect a huge wall of 'no one can hurt me, I'm tough' or I get my feelings hurt easily. When I get my feelings hurt I get into this 'whoa is me' funk and life becomes miserable but when I put up a wall, I become really cold. I'll just sit and glare at him while we are 'discussing' whatever it is. Luckily after all our years together Tony has figured out how to get me out of my moods and we can get resolved what we need to! 

I write: to do lists mentally all the time. If I am pretty stressed I will actual write down a hard copy. I wish I wrote my thoughts or feelings down but most of the time when I feel like writing they are negative feelings and I don't want them written permanently for my posterity! I write horribly. There are times when my handwriting is okay but too often I am in a hurry and just scribble whatever I am trying to write.

I lose: at most card games when I play with other people and could care less. Whenever we are with my parents we play cards and I enjoy playing them but rarely get fired up. Usually it is late at night and by the end, I would willingly lose just to be able to go to bed. I lose my temper too often. When I am trying really hard not to lose it, I start talking very quietly and slowly -- kind of like I am talking with a child. Sometimes that works to cool me down, sometimes not. 

I win: whenever I play Skip-Bo with Tony. Don't know why but I rock at that game (just when I play him though).

I never: want an animal. Sorry people but I don't like them. I have never had a pet and am allergic to most. I think they are gross, dirty and they STINK. I get the hee-bee-jee-bees when I go to someones home and find animal hair in their kitchens. Last night I dry heaved when we were watching "America's Funniest Home Video's" and a dog was licking all over a babies high chair! I think it is disgusting that dogs go out side to poop them come inside and sit on people's carpet with their dirty bums. Yuck! I've obviously obsessed about this too much but YUCK! (Those of you with animals - sorry! Your kids will grow up a lot better adjusted than me or my kids. Tony is fighting for a dog, we'll see who wins - him with his argument that pets help develop responsibility or me with the stinky butts on the carpet argument!)

I miss: all my friends that I leave whenever we move. I don't necessarily miss the places (although we do miss Boise) but I really miss the friendships we develop. I miss making as deep of friendships as when I was young. I miss being able to talk on the phone with a friend without repeated distractions. I miss being all alone with Tony. I miss my 6-pack. I miss it when my babies get too big to cuddle.

I listen: to high school girl music. Yep, I love top 40 stuff. Love rap, hip-hop, pop etc. I hope this will change soon because I don't like hearing my six and three year old sing "I kissed a girl and I liked it".  I listen to Tony's talk radio and get ticked off. I think Savage and Hannity are complete idiots and would love to kick them in the head.

I can usually be found: at home with at least one kid clamoring for my attention. Back in the day I was either at home or the gym. One of these days . . .

I am scared: of my kids growing up in this messed up world. I am scared people will try to hurt them. I am scared I wont be with my family forever. I am scared of being smothered by Tony in my sleep (for the longest time when we were first married he'd roll over right on top of me. I could always wiggle my way out but I fear one of these times I might not. How sad would that be?)

I need: to check my email and blog at least once daily (more likely three or four times). I think I might be OCD about it. I never have anything pressing or important but I just need to know what is happening.  I need to talk to at least one adult during the day. Don't care who it is just needs to be able to hold a semi-decent conversation. I need little Mommy breaks throughout the day - just a couple minutes when I dont have a kid fighting for my attention. I need frequent dates with Tony.

I dislike: competition between people. The whole keeping up with the Jones' drive me crazy! I dislike living in Arizona yet being as white as if I lived in Alaska. I dislike mornings. No, I hate mornings. I dislike breakfast foods (as I said earlier anything sweet and fattening I'll eat but not regular breakfast food). 

I prefer: myself blond but hate the upkeep so remain dark. I prefer Pepsi to Coke. I prefer dark to milk chocolate. I prefer books over movies.  I prefer the heat over the cold. Give me AZ any day. No more snow for this girl! I prefer little girl clothes over boy clothes. I prefer all day Kindergarten. I prefer computer to TV. I prefer sweats to jeans. I prefer pedicures over manicures. I prefer cruises over road trips. 

I won't eat/drink: margarine, diet sodas, brussel sprouts, sushi, alcohol, most fat-free snack foods, fat-free dairy as well, etc

I get anxious: when I am in closed spaces or cant breathe fresh air. I also get anxious when I think about dying young and Tony actually marrying the young hussy he keeps telling me he will (and for those of you who know some of Tony's dating habits know it just might happen)!

I am fascinated by: the way my kids think. I love watching them learn and love to see them try to figure things out. I am fascinated that Blake is only 8 months old yet has found his little tally wacker. Kid will be playing with that for the rest of his life.  I am fascinated that I still cannot make my moms lasagna, no matter how many times I've tried.

I am a little embarrassed to admit: I LOVE reality TV. Love it, love it, love it. I think its because it is so not my lifestyle but I am amazed at how messed up people are (my new favorite is 'I Love Money' on VH1 - biggest group of white trash people ever). I love 'So you think you can Dance", 'Project Runway', 'Real World/Road Rules Challenges', etc. 

I am happy about: where I am in my life. Its not always perfect - bumps pop up here and there - but for the most part, my life is awesome and I am grateful for my blessings.